Eleven Satanic Rules for Theme Parks
- Do not give opinions or refuse assistance no matter how often you are asked the same question.
- Do not tell your troubles to Guests.
- When in a Land, show respect for its theme or else do not go there.
- If a Guest in your Land does not respect its theme, tease without mercy.
- Do not make sexual advances on stage.
- Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is for the purpose of bringing it to Lost and Found.
- Acknowledge the power of magic in the Kingdom and seek to create magical experiences for Guests. If you deny the power of magic despite the success of the Park, you will lose your job.
- Do not complain about anything where a Guest or Lead might hear.
- Do not harm little children, whether by ignoring their needs or letting them see a headless Character.
- Do not operate an attraction that has not passed a safety inspection, let anyone be declared dead on Park property, or otherwise allow the Kingdom's image to be tarnished without need.
- When walking from one Land to another in costume, interact with no one. If someone interacts with you, be polite but brief. If he does not stop, call Security.
About the Rules for Theme Parks
The founders of Satan's Mice are all Cast Members, and it was their inspiration to merge their Disneyland training with their deeply held Satanic beliefs. The ultimate goal was promotion within the company and, eventually, complete Satanic control over the Guest experience. We are proud to say that all of the founders quickly became Leads, and one now holds an executive position. We look forward to the day when all Cast Members are part of the Alien Elite.
Although these rules are written from the Cast Member perspective, they are equally applicable to Guests. No Guest who acts against the interests of the Park or its philosophy should be allowed to remain within its berm, and they should not expect the refund of their price of admission.
It should be pointed out that the Church of Satan was established in the same year that Walt Disney died. Those foolish enough to believe in fate may believe that the Church was intended to carry on Disney's work. They are welcome to that opinion.
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